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Late night thoughts… (19.07.2008)

It’s past twelve in the evening and I should be sleeping by now. But lying there in my bed, some strange thoughts came to my mind. I don’t know why, but I suddenly felt the urge to write them down in English. Don’t know why it had to be English either… Well, never mind. Feeling the healing wounds on my fingers, I may have thought about the one on my left foot and the day I got it. This day was mostly a happy one, until I stepped on something sharp edged and felt a stinging pain in my foot. But even afterwards there were some great moments. I really enjoyed being with nearly all of the persons who are of great importance to me. First I went to my mother’s and sister’s birthplace. I spent a fabulous morning by the lake there. Well, except for the cut I got during our beach ball match in the water. It wasn’t that deep a cut, but somehow I felt, as if my foot was part of a bad splatter movie. Well, you know I’m one to exaggerate a little from time to time. Nonetheless, I didn’t really want any of my siblings or parents to worry too much. But my mum, dad and even my youngest brother were seemingly quite worried. Somehow I enjoyed this feeling of being cared about, but when it came to going back to the car and leaving for the other lake we had planned to visit, my mum kind of pushed me to exchange shoes with her. I wore flipflops that day and her shoes were less open than mine, so it might have been better. But I insisted in keeping mine and being stubborn. I am no child anymore. That’s what I might have been thinking at that moment. So we got to the car and drove off to the other lake. My dear friends were already there when we arrived at the lakeside and it started to rain quite hard the moment I changed clothes and ran to join them in the water. I asked my family to wait for me under the roof of the snack bar. So they did. Meanwhile we had fun swimming in the rain, throwing around a tennis ball and being ourselves. I enjoy these moments most. Having people around me whom I can trust. I don’t have to pretend to be someone else in their presence. And I’m so grateful for this. Believe me, when I say there are very few things that are more precious to me. Nevertheless, when we got out of the water and changed back into dry clothes, my family was already in a hurry. We had promised my grandma to visit her and so we had to leave. To be honest, I would have wanted to stay with my friends a little longer. I had seen them for about an hour only and the whole situation was quite awkward somehow. But there was no choice for me, so I left them, hoping they wouldn’t be pissed about it. I was really sorry back then and I still am now. Forgive me, please… So we visited my grandma and talked to her, while sitting on a bench outside. It was still raining and got colder, so my mum asked me again to exchange shoes with her. And my dad offered me a seat on the bench several times, but I didn’t want to sit down or exchange shoes or whatever. I’m sure they were just being the caring parents they always were. But I didn’t want them to care this much about me… I literally pushed them away with words, trying to show them that I am no longer the little child I used to be years and years ago. I didn’t want to be a selfish, spoiled little brat. They should understand they don’t have to pamper me so much anymore. But somehow I got the feeling that, by trying to convince them I’m mature enough to decide on my own what’s best for me, I showed them how immature and stubborn I really am. And now I’m sitting here, fighting back the tears, not knowing whether I hurt them with this childish behaviour or not. If I did, I’m really sorry. The last thing I want to do is trouble them anymore than they actually are. I wish I would be able to comfort them, relieve them from all the stress they’re having and help them out in every way that I can. But I guess the only thing I can do, is being a good daughter and showing them, how much I love them and care for them. I wish there was an appropriate way to thank them for all they did for me so far and will do for me in the future. But there are no such words that could express this feeling. I can’t tell you how happy I am to have them by my side, no matter what. Even if I lost everything else, they would still be there, caressing me, trying to build me up again, if I broke. I can’t explain how precious this is to me, but I hope they know that I dearly love them and that I am very proud to call these two my parents. I don’t know what would have become of me, if I didn’t have them... Same goes for my siblings and dear friends, of course. The latter being more than a circle of friends, but more like brothers and sisters. Thank you, too, for accepting me the way I am. The strange, difficult, emotional, stubborn, immature, selfish me. I can’t express with words, how much I appreciate having your company. Therefore, I still hope that I will never lose anyone of you. Be it my true family or my dear ones who are so much like a second family. I try not to think about times without you. It just hurts too much... So go on, call me childish, selfish or whatever you consider the right word to describe me. I don’t care, as long as I don’t have to worry about losing you. And rest assured of one thing, I really don’t want to hurt those who mean so much to me. I want you to be happy, no matter what. That’s why I hope every single one of you finds personal happiness one day. This is one of my strongest wishes. So, now that I wrote them down, I hope these thoughts will leave me alone for a while. And maybe the tears I cried while writing these words, will vanish without a trace. I don’t care if only the meaning of these words reaches everyone who is meant to know it.

Goodnight now, sleep soundly and dream something nice,

Sophia (Thank you, Mum and Dad, for the name you gave me. I love it so much.)

5.8.08 19:33
 


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